Safe Sex and the Olympian

Times have changed. Used to be, back when I was a high school athlete, coaches told their charges to “keep it in your pants tonight! We have a game tomorrow!” He wouldn’t want you to over exert yourself and have a bad game and he’d say it in terms like he really meant it.

Of course, it wasn’t like we were taking “it” out of our pants for much more than taking a leak, although I imagine everyone’s “it” got cleaned on a regular basis. Like a firearm, no “it” should be cleaned while loaded, if you catch my drift. The whole thing also seemed rather unfair to me at the time. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to tell my coach, “Uh, coach, keep your Johnson at home tonight or you might really suck on the sideline tomorrow!”

Now, ahem, comes a Washington Post article on condoms being provided to Olympic athletes at next month’s Rio Games. You can’t swim or even row safely in the water and heaven help you if you get a mosquito bite, but Rio wants you to be safe if you get laid. They’re handing out enough latex for each athlete to, wait for it… git r done more than FORTY times! The Olympics last two weeks! How the hell does one have the time, much less the energy, to compete?

For the record, the International Olympic Committee is distributing 450,000 condoms to the athletes. 350,000 are of the male variety, whilst 100,000 are female condoms. That is blatant discrimination if I ever saw it! One would think they would have distributed an equal number. You can never be too careful. Rio authorities are also providing more than 50,000 jars of Vaseline, 10,000 French ticklers and 8,000 bottles of Anal Eaze.

No mention is made about the size of the condoms being distributed. I mean we have to consider gymnasts versus, say, weightlifters. Sorry, most of those female gymnasts aren’t even to the age of consent in West By God Virginia. Back when my daughter was training 32 hours a week she aspired to make it to these Games. (A local gymnast her age did, as an alternate). The thought of Livia getting a goodie bag with “water bottle, check… sun screen, check… backpack, check… Trojans, check…” is a little unnerving to this old man.  I’m glad she left the sport.

Apparently the first Games where condoms were provided were in Seoul. They provided less than one per person. Why the big change? Have they just figured out that athletes like to do the wild thing like the rest of us? Were there late night runs on local convenience stores, which were invariably sold out? Who knows.

In the interest of being on the foreskin of science, I hope the World Health Organization is conducting penetrating research on who uses these prophylactics and how. You gotta figure that a highly religious country like Saudi Arabia or Iran would not use any. (Right….) On the other hand, the good old US of A should be pretty close to getting a gold medal in this event. I’m also guessing Australia may be sexual powerhouse. I’ve heard of their beaches. The home team there in Brazil might do all right too.

Either way, I am glad to see that IOC is taking time from their doping investigation of Russia to make sure that the only things Olympic athletes take home from Rio are memories, medals, and maybe Zika virus.



About Life Along the Edge

In my 50's, I'm enough to remember the first Apollo landing. I'll eventually forget it, or worse, decide it was all a conspiracy done on a Hollywood sound stage. Most of the rest you need to know about me you can discern from my writing. Other important stuff: I have one wife and three daughters. I live in Arizona. I love seafood and being outdoors. But, most importantly, I'm on a journey following Jesus. God leads, I do a shitty job following. He's patient with me. I pray you will be too. Grace and Peace, David
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