For the last forty years I have either been trying to get into veterinary school, trying to stay in veterinary school, or being a veterinarian. During that time I partnered with the indefatigable Sandy to raise three daughters. I buried two parents, two grandmothers, and five guinea pigs.

I also performed one guinea pig wedding, attended by Livia, Lindsey, and their best friend, Brynn. I may have been carrying a Bible during the ceremony but I can’t imagine from what passage I might have read. Something from Song of Solomon, for example, wouldn’t have been appropriate.

Sadly, as they say in the Bible, the “union” produced no offspring because the female was “barren”. Notice it’s always the female. It’s never the male who can’t get it up because he’s too into shepherds, or is shooting blanks, or busy banging his concubines.

But back to retirement.

My career, like my marriage, did not follow the path I intended. I sucked as a husband and parent. I was average (at best) as a clinician. I stayed in private practice for only 3 years (my marriage thankfully, last 23 years longer). I largely enjoyed private practice before a balky back and lack of a decent salary drove me to a job in Big Pharma. I learned being married and working for Big Pharma that I am pretty good at some things, including, as it happens, being blunt and pissing people off.

This rather recent realization came as a shock to me. I’m an apparently a slow learner. I always thought of myself as easy(ish) going, unless provoked. Of course provoking me can be pretty easy at times, especially if you’re stupid. I’m pretty smart, a character trait that can make me a flaming asshole, and which I despise. (BTW, The Flaming Assholes would be a great name for a metal band. Also Septal Rage).

My short fuse was something with which my kids quickly learned how to contend. I now understand much of my anger was driven by undiagnosed depression and when I went on duloxetine at 50 years of age my biggest surprise was that my theretofore short fuse, grew.

The twists and turns of my career I will cover elsewhere. Most things in life, in the end, are meaningless and my career was no different. A friend of mine used to say that he wouldn’t sweat things that weren’t gonna matter in a thousand years. Since very few things will matter in a millennium, this outlook made Brian a very chill person. Looking back, I do wonder whether all the effort I put into becoming a veterinarian was worth it. Almost nothing I’ve done in my career has had any lasting value. But maybe that wasn’t the point in the first place. Perhaps lasting value is really the sum of a series of making small things matter, what Friedrich Nietzsche (and later Eugene Peterson) called “a long obedience in the same direction“.

Given my longevity in my profession, I have been feeling somewhat burnt out for probably close to a year. Part of it, I attribute to matters outside of work. My health has had several concurrent challenges. This off grid lifestyle has been a lot. Perhaps buying 36 acres of raw land on the Colorado plateau, selling my comfortable suburban house, and moving to East Jesus, Arizona to live in a 26 foot camper wasn’t the smartest thing I’ve ever done. While I am only weeks away from finally having a house, I am also a lot closer to broke, not to mention “another year closer to death”. And yes, work has been difficult and no longer brings me joy.

So I decided to step back by anywhere from 75-100%

At 60 I’m back to (re)building my life from the ground up, although I have quite a few things going for me.

I have a marvelous girlfriend in Genell. She’s an amazing human and “gets” me. In an off-the-rack world, it’s nice to find someone who so snuggly fits.

I have a business (the one from which I am trying to retire) that I built from scratch. I am one of maybe a couple hundred people in the world who do what I do (independent veterinary R&D consultant). I don’t plan to give it up completely but I only want to work on projects that are interesting and meaningful.

I own land and have money (albeit not enough) in the bank.

Like a ball player who knows it’s time, I quickly decided in September it was for me. I didn’t want to be like too many, no longer on my A game and well past my “best by” date.

Retirement has many meanings. For me it will mean continuing to consult on a limited basis for select clients. It will mean building my ranch and enjoying nature. It will mean exploring the southwest, discovering pre-Columbian native sites, and gasping in awe at landscapes only Arizona and the Southwest have to offer. Maybe it’ll mean finally writing that book.

Both my parents died of cancer relatively young. My grandmother, aunt, and uncle all had cancer. Thankfully my aunt is still around. I figure there’s a good chance I’ll get cancer too. Who knows? Who knows our days?

The one principle by which I want to live the 4th quarter of my life is this: Do justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly with God. (Micah 6:8). If I do that, then at last, something I have done will have meaning.